A crash course in the "Crescenzo Method of Six Sigma"

You need to pay attention to this column, because I have a plan that is going to change your life forever.
 
It all revolves around this thing known as "Six Sigma." Six Sigma is big. Very big, and getting bigger. In nine of the last 10 consulting clients I've had, the company was using Six Sigma principles.

Basically, Six Sigma is a way to solve problems and improve efficiency. Here's an official definition I found on the Internet:

"A quality measure and improvement program developed by Motorola that focuses on the control of a process to the point of ± six sigma (standard deviations) from a centerline, or 3.4 defects per million items. It includes identifying factors critical to quality as determined by the customer, reducing process variation and improving capabilities, increasing stability and designing systems to support the six sigma goal.'

Woooeeee!! That's a mouthful, ain't it?

Six Sigma has taken over corporate America, and communicators need to get on board the Sigma train. With that said, there are two ways we could do it.

We could actually take the Six Sigma training. But it takes a long time, and not many communicators I know have the time to really learn it. Plus it's probably real boring.

That's why I like option No. 2, which I call the "Crescenzo Method of Six Sigma." My method can be summed up in five words: "Bullshit your way through it."

I came up with the idea at a town hall meeting I attended recently. A woman stood up and asked when a certain machine on the plant floor would be fixed.

The plant manager started his answer with what is fast becoming the most popular sentence in Corporate America:

"We've got a Six Sigma team working on that."

He then proceeded to bury the question in a blizzard of Six Sigma terms and acronyms. Forty-five seconds into his explanation, he had lost the entire audience, and even the person who asked the question had tuned out.

What a brilliant strategy! Communicators could do this, too! Whenever we are faced with a question we don't want to answer, or don't have an answer to, we could Six Sigma our way right out of it! Whenever we get assigned work we don't want to do, we can Six Sigma like mad and avoid the work!

How do we do it? We just have to learn some of the Six Sigma terms. Of course, there are many terms, and we don't have time to learn them all. But we can start with three. And these three are very flexible, so we can use them in all kinds of situations. Here they are:

Root Cause Analysis. Or RCA. In regular English, this is called, "finding the cause of the problem."
When to use: Anytime you don't know the answer to a problem.
Sample Usage: "The thing I don't want to do, Dwayne, is band-aid the problem. We're in the process of establishing the RCA."

Permanent Corrective Action. Or PCA. This is what you do once you establish the RCA.
When to use: If a problem has been lingering for a while, and you can't seem to fix it.
Sample Usage: "Dwayne, the Six Sigma team has already established the RCA, but we're struggling with implementing the PCA because it represents a severe paradigm shift."

Problem Solving Tracking Sheet. Or PSTS. I don't know what this is, but it doesn't matter, because I know how to use the acronym.
When to use: "Whenever someone is threatening to solve the problem without you.
Sample Usage: "That's a great idea, Dwayne. We should set aside a couple of hours next week to enter that into the PSTS. Can I get on your calendar?" That ought to be enough to take care of old Dwayne, right?

And here are two bonus tips: 1) Try to combine these terms as much as possible, because they are very impressive when used together. And 2) Never refer to the full phrase if you can help it. Always use the acronyms. That way, there is less of a chance that someone will understand you. And, it gives you a chance to establish yourself as an expert and the other person as a doofus.

Let's say, for example, that you got drunk last week and forgot to send out the employee publication. A senior manager, whose picture was going to be on Page One in an exciting grip-and-grin shot, is upset, and comes to see you.

Unfortunately for this senior manager, he has not taken the Six Sigma training.

Manager: "What the hell happened to the publication, Murray?"

You: "Mort, I've got a Six Sigma team drilling down to get to the RCA. Once we uncover it, we'll have several PCA options, and we've already implemented a PSTS in order to make sure we don't have a repeat occurrence."

Manager: What? What's that you say? PRSA? PST? ACLU? What are you talking about?

You (in a sneering, superior tone): RCA, Mort? Root . . . Cause .  . . Analysis, Mort? Hello? Six Sigma? Please tell me you've taken the training, Mort."

At which point, Mort will no doubt slink out of the room, tail between his legs.