I recently learned that JP Morgan has an online resignation tool as part of its employee engagement program. We expect there’s more to it than a big, red “Sod this, I’ve had enough, I’m off” button on the home page.
But it got us thinking: As well as an “I resign” button, what are the features that an intranet really should have?
1. Office greeting card platitude generator
We’ve all been there. A birthday card goes round the office, and all your usual preferred greetings have been used already.
This tool enables the user to select occasion (birthday, new job, baby) and how much you like them (like, dislike, meh), and ping! “All the best, mate!”
2. “Booked meeting room not being used” alert
Movement sensor in the meeting room checks whether the booker didn’t turn up, and details are made public on the intranet so others can take the room. Future development could include a “name and shame” table of those selfish bastards who book out rooms just in case. Those on the list get low priority on future bookings.
3. “Who’s free for lunch?” button
A feature that scans your team’s calendars, figures out who’s free, and books the time. Advanced features could enable you to blacklist people you don’t want to have lunch with, creating convenient appointments whenever they invite you to join them.
4. Office cake and chocolate alert
Find out who’s bought Krispy Kremes into the office today, so you can just happen to swing by. Can also be used in reverse if you’re keen to avoid temptation (as if that has ever happened).
5. Advanced stationery ordering
Keeps user informed of stockroom levels; no more trips down there only to find they’re out of pens. Particularly useful for klepto-colleagues.
6. Cafeteria alert
Lunch menus are always among the most popular content on the intranet, but there are plenty of advanced features we need right now. This function enables you to set up alerts on those dishes you can’t get enough of, so you don’t miss out, you cottage cheese and potato fiend.
7. Cafeteria cam
Is the lunchroom busy? You need a webcam or other splendidly over-engineered function that helps you pick the ideal moment to have lunch.
8. Emergency animals
Having a bad day? This cute/amusing animal picture engine delivers instant cheer. (There’s already a Pinterest board for this.)
9. Meeting cost calculator
Tired of meetings where no decisions get made? This handy web app pulls in salaries from the HR system to give you the cost in staff time of any meeting in your calendar. No better way to demonstrate the true pointlessness of it all.
10 Alternative stock price holding
Doesn’t show price but interrogates your stock holding details and displays an alert: “Retire Now! / Rich / Hang on a few more years / Depressed / Retire in 3 decades”. Let’s be honest, it’s all we really care about.
What intranet features do you think need to exist? Please let us know in the comments section. A second installment of “your dreamy intranet future” is coming soon.
A version of this article first appeared on Intranetizen.com.