12 brutally honest ways to describe co-workers

If only ‘I heat leftover fish in the lunchroom microwave’ was on a LinkedIn profile.

Recently, I shared some of the more common buzzwords people use to describe their professional qualities—words we think managers want to hear.

These buzzwords might be an accepted form of self-marketing, but the truth comes out soon enough. If during your first performance review, your manager could go back and rewrite your LinkedIn profile, what would he or she write? Would she use the same descriptors that you did? I suspect your manager would be more honest than you were at the time.

Let’s rewrite them. These are the 12 most honest profile descriptors of employees—if written candidly by their managers.

1. I talk VERY loudly on the phone.

2. I add 10 minutes to every break.

3. I heat leftover fish in the lunchroom microwave.

4. I gossip about everyone.

5. I steal office supplies.

6. I spend half of my workday on Farmville.

7. I take credit for other people’s ideas.

8. I only know half of what I claim.

9. My references are really my mom and dad.

10. I populate everyone’s email folder with jokes and kittens.

11. I require a sick day when Julia Roberts is the guest on “The View.”

12. I turn into a promiscuous drunk at office Christmas parties.

How would you rewrite your staff or coworkers’ LinkedIn profile descriptors?

Sam Fiorella is the chief strategy sensei at Sensei Marketing, where he is responsible for strategic campaign guidance and marketing technology development that power the Sensei Customer Lifecycle Methodology. Follow Sam on Twitter or connect with him on LinkedIn. A version of this story first appeared on the blog 12 Most.

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