7 foods you should never eat at work

Maintain an aesthetic, a decorum, in the office. Crass sounds, unsightly visuals and noxious fumes violate collegial codes of conduct, so ditch the bananas and the tuna noodle casserole.

We are constantly bombarded in the media about what we should be eating and what we shouldn’t be eating.

The FDA recently came out with its new ban on transfats starting in 2018. Though this is good for the health of our society, it’s just one example of directives about our food intake.

I don’t want to incite an argument about whether you should be eating more protein, fruits and vegetables, etc., but I do want to give you some insight into foods you should never eat at work—and why. Here’s my list:

1. Bananas. No one wants to say it, so I will. There’s no good way to eat a banana at work and not elicit some adolescent comment. Whether you’re male or female, eating a banana just isn’t a good look for anyone at the office. I know, I know, you just break off small pieces and it’s fine. It’s not. Stop it. Eat that at home before coming in. (Also see: Twinkies, foot-long hot dogs, those cream filled long john donuts, a full carrot.)

2. Beanitos chips. The name pretty much tells you why. Really, any “Beanito” product isn’t a good office product if you’re within 50 yards of a co-worker. Yeah, they taste great, I’ll give you that, but an hour down the road, we hate you—and that Glade isn’t helping.

3. Sushi. I love sushi. The problem is this: As with bananas, you have to open your mouth so wide that you look gross eating it. (Sushi is a bad date food, as well.) Any time you have to shove something the size of a golf ball into your mouth in one bite, you’re in trouble.

4. Ramen noodles. Again, I love noodles, but I don’t want to see or hear you eating them. The slurping of noodles, though respected in Asian countries, is not respected in my office. I don’t want to hear you slurp.

5. Anything cooked in the break room microwave that stinks up the place. Usually, this means fish. Though it tastes great, fish does not smell good warmed up, and that stench pervades and lingers. I have a policy in our employee handbook at HRU that if you cook fish in the microwave you get fired.

6. Microwave popcorn. I actually love the smell of freshly popped popcorn. I worked in movie theaters growing up and can kill a large bucket by myself. The problem is, most people can’t quite grasp the concept of cooking popcorn in a microwave. You have to watch it, listen for it. You have about a three-second window to get it out before you have incinerated popcorn. You just can’t push the “popcorn” button and walk away; that is a recipe for pungent disaster.

7. Any vegan food that looks like poop. Vegans know what I’m talking about. Let’s face it, most vegan food is gross and tastes like dirt, but God bless those people, they’ll probably live a lot longer than I—long into those great 90s and 100s decades. Yeah, can’t we all wait for those golden years?

What foods do you think people should avoid eating in the office? Hit me in the comments.

A version of this article originally appeared on TimSackett.com.

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