Three quick tips for writing a totally pointless press release

The author dissects a mind-numbingly viscous, banal paragraph that someone, for some reason, thought would inspire journalists to action. You’d better sit down for this one.

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“The new brand is a result of our collaborative work with stakeholders, members and customers. We listened to their feedback about a desire to work with a more modern and global organization, while still maintaining our rich history and an emphasis on sustainability,” said Ash Sahi, President & CEO, CSA Group. “The singular, more streamlined brand identity will help as the organization extends its global service offerings and solutions to our customers and members while building on our specialized technical expertise, reputation, trustworthiness and rich heritage.”

Here are those tips:

1. Announce something of absolutely no interest to any living journalist.

A good topic for your totally pointless press release? Your redesigned logo, a subject containing such minimal news mileage that it definitely warrants 370 words’ worth of your corporate affairs manager’s time.

Caveat: if your new logo is likely to be greeted by universal opprobrium, tell your corporate affairs manager to expect to be fielding calls all day.

After all, there’s no such thing as bad publicity, is there? Hmm. Tell that to the hapless designer who’s not worked since committing the heinous crime of adding a little blue square to the word “Gap” for a brief moment in 2010.

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