Twitter introduced brand pages.
Some people say it will be a game changer. Those people are idiots. It won’t be a game changer, because nobody uses Twitter.com for tweeting, or at least they shouldn’t be.
I’m filled with my trademarked “Howler Monkey Angst.”
It’s not that Twitter is improving the site for its users that pisses me off; it’s that it has users.
As I type this rant, I’m well aware of the unreasonableness of my dismay. Twitter provides a service I love. I would describe myself as a power Twitter user and have developed a lot of great friendships. That said, it has been almost two years since I’ve used Twitter.com for tweeting.
I have three monitors, one of which is covered wall-to-wall with TweetDeck.
TweetDeck has six columns, with my main stream, mentions, my favorite list, direct messages, a search column (currently on #Buckeyes), and favorites. So why I am so upset that Twitter wants to get people to use its product?
It is because people who use Twitter for tweeting make themselves partially unavailable.
Let me explain.
A tweet scrolls across my “All Friends Column:”
“My lap is full of napping cat. I’m hungry, but if I disturb Mr. Fluffy Pants, he won’t forget the transgression.”
I am powerless against only two things: tweets with bacon in them and kitty cuteness. Naturally, I’d want to reply with something along the lines of:
Order pizza for delivery, explain your dire situation, and have them bring it to your chair. #catnapfever
But then I look at the bottom of their tweet and my enthusiasm for replying plummets. I see the date, time, and then “via Web,” which is code for, “The bleeding idiot is STILL using Twitter on a browser, probably the horrific IE 9, and will be oblivious to your reply. Don’t even bother. They obviously have no self-respect, probably have criminal records, and think the “Oxford comma” is a pretentious bit of punctuation. In short, they are heathens. I blame their parents.”
So I move on.
Twitter is fantastic, but if one uses the browser to tweet, they are unable to watch more than one column at a time. Unless they click back and forth on the tabs repeatedly, they won’t be able to carry on a conversation and catch the links to articles listing Top 10 Reasons Why Cheese Should Have its Own Food Pyramid. In short, they miss out on half the Twitter fun and give people the impression they don’t want to chat.
There are only three reasons to ever open a browser and use Twitter:
- You are on some strange computer in a library, computer cafe, or at your friend’s house. (The one who mocks your use of social media and prefers to do things “outdoors” with people.)
- You are popping in to see what changes it’s made and you have no intent of staying more than 37 seconds.
- You’ve recently suffered a massive head wound and don’t know any better.
I’m not a religious person, but I believe Leviticus 5:9 says, “Thou shalt not use Twitter to tweet, lest they spend all of eternity in hell, listening to Justin Bieber tracks, with a gaggle of pre-teen girls.” I think it comes right after the passage about, “Thou shall pick one avatar and stick to it, or your followers won’t know who you are and will think you’ve died in a horrible llama herding accident.”
My point is this, if you are reading this post, you are likely serious about social media. If you want to be taken seriously, start using serious tools, such as TweetDeck or Hootsuite.
(Next time on “Howler Monkey Rant”…Why everyone should have three monitors.)
If you have a client who wants a Twitter brand page, then by all means, make one. Tell them it is essential, and charge them double. I’ll even visit it and give it a T+ or whatever it will be. Just don’t announce the stupid thing using your browser!
Brian Meeks has delusions of novelist, which he feeds by authoring Henry Wood Detective Agency. (Available on his blahg.) When the economy went south, he turned to social media and does this to feed and clothe himself. In his free time, he does… well… social media… and publishes the Extremely Average. He can be reached on Twitter or by carrier pigeon at the house with the big tree out front.
This article first appeared on SpinSucks.