Shoptalk with writers turns into a barroom brawl

David Murray argues with wisdom from great writers and editors of past and present

It’s a rainy day in Chicago. I’m bored at my computer. I’m looking for inspiration. I look through employee publications. I look at some stupid blogs. I look out the window. Finally, I look to my betters—great writers and editors—in hopes their wisdom will get me going. I should know better. I don’t like writers. I never have. Immediately, we start to bicker.

“I don’t wait for moods,” says Pearl S. Buck. “You accomplish nothing if you do that. Your mind must know it has got to get down to work.”

My mind knows that. Something must be wrong with my stupid fingers.

“Write only if you cannot live without writing,” Elie Wiesel says.

Write only if you cannot find a more reliable way to make a living, I retort, thinking maybe I should start smoking again.

Somerset Maugham chimes in with his usual helpful b.s.: “There are three rules to writing fiction. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.”

What a knee-slapper.